I’m feeling a little cantankerous today.
I’ve flown a lot more this past year than usual.
Nothing too exciting…just regular stuff.
People watching during air travel is riveting and revealing.
A person’s behavior on an airplane is a barometer of their character. You can quote me on that.
Me? I’m a typical firstborn, a rule follower. I like justice and order.
Most of my fellow travelers of late have not subscribed to that school of thought.
Step foot onto an airplane and common sense, good manners, and decency are completely abandoned.
—spoiler alert— I deal with unpleasantries with humor and sarcasm. That’s just how I roll. If you prefer sunshine and lollipop posts, click away.
But if you like to laugh at things that annoy you. Jump on board. Pun intended.
Lemme break it down for ya.
The top twelve offenders of air travel.
1. “Rachel Rush-the-Gate”
Rachel has a ticket marked zone 100. They are calling military personnel and people that need special assistance. Instead of hanging back for the ten minutes it will obviously take for her zone to be called , she beats it to the front of the line just to be “first.”
2. “Sammy Spray It”
Sammy lets out the mother-of-all sneezes, yet makes no attempt to shield his fellow passengers from the contents of his nasal passage. Say it don’t spray it, Sammy.
3. “Betty Bag Rattler”
Oh Betty, you wouldn’t want to miss a speck of the pretzel dust hiding in the deepest recesses of that noisemaker of a cellophane bag. The previous twenty minutes of bag rattling just weren’t enough. By all means, continue…
4. “Peter Personal Space”
Peter is seated next to you and quickly commandeers the armrest. And goes into spread eagle mode with his legs way into your “personal space.” Never mind that I’m digging my legs into the wall of the plane to escape “stranger leg-touching” with you. Go on and make yourself comfortable.
5. “Lucy Look How Cute My Kid Is”
Lucy is obviously enthralled with every movement made and every word uttered from her offspring but that’s not enough. She thinks you are as well. And she gives an elevated decibel play-by-play of every single thing from wheels up to wheels down delivered in baby talk. “Oh yes, you DID finish your snack.” “Yes the airplane IS making a loud sound.”
6. “Sally Seat Kicker”
Sally is incapable of putting her feet on the ground. The back of your seat is where they are destined to be. Kicking is more fun than keeping still. The fact that my seat is violently rocking and my kidneys are shrieking in pain have no effect on Sally. It’s not Sally’s fault. It is Sally’s mother’s fault. Sally’s mother is creating a new generation of offenders.
See #’s 1, 3, 4, and 5.
7. “Charlie Claim Jumper”
Charlie, you are seated in row Z. But by golly you are entitled to exit the plane first. You were absent the day they taught waiting your turn in kindergarten so you bull-rush your way to the front before the 25 rows of people before you.
8. “Nervous Nellie”
Nellie hates to fly. Nellie can’t suffer in silence. Can. not. do. it. She must share her fear (loudly) with everyone on the plane. She fidgets and squirms and huffs and sighs with a wild-eyed look of terror until I am certain we are all going to die.
9. “Air Marshall Annie”
Annie is a flight attendant. But Annie feels she missed her calling as an air marshall. She likes to boss. She is intoxicated with “power.” And don’t let that seat back be one millimeter from upright before landing or Annie will eviscerate you for all to hear.
10. “Rule Breaker Randy”
Sure the door to the aircraft is now closed and no less than twenty announcements to “power down” have been made. But the rules don’t apply to Randy. He needs to finish his “very important” cellphone conversation while checking his email on his iPad. That’s okay, Randy. We’ll all just wait.
11. “Stinky Snack Packin Stan”
You are seated, you buckle up and are ready to relax. Stan opens up his snack bag and unleashes the scent of a dirty diaper filled with indian food. That potpourri mixed with the other various airplane aromas just kicked your gag reflex into high gear. Apparently the physics of pungent smells wafting through small, confined spaces escapes Stan.
12. “Businessman Bob”
Evidently Wall Street and the Dow are hanging in the balance awaiting the outcome of this urgent phone call that must be made from INSIDE the airplane. Loudly. Yes Bob, we all know how very important you are. Wrap it up at the gate, Bob.
There you have it…
the top twelve air travel offenders.
What are your air travel pet peeves?