they call me grace…

Not.

I am a klutz.

And a spazz.

The proverbial bull in a china shop.

I fall down, run into things, and hurt myself regularly.

 

Some of my more classic moments (in no particular order):

In college, I worked at a fine jewelry store and one of my “jobs” was to clean the crystal stemware. So I’m cleaning a crystal goblet, it smashes in my hand (Herculean strength?) and gashes my knuckle wide open—stitches.

 

A couple of weeks ago Hannah and I were shopping at our favorite outdoor mall and I tripped up some cement stairs, began wildly flailing, temporarily caught myself but then my foot got caught in the handle of my shopping bag. I wobbled crazily and then face planted.

Of course, that was bad enough but when I fall I scream. Loudly. So it’s not just a visual spectacle, but an auditory one too.

And I just happened to be right in front of the Joseph A. Banks window. My shenanigans drew quite a crowd of men inside the store peering out to witness my theatrics.

Or then again, they could have been staring at Hannah who was doubled over full-body-heaving with laughter.

Oh, no. We are not one of those concerned “are you okay?” families…nope, once we make sure it’s not life threatening all bets are off and the howling laughter begins. Sick, I tell ya.

 

Then there was the time that I was putting on makeup and using my eyelash curler (these babies need all the help they can get) and lost my balance. Yep, I ripped every single eyelash out of my right eyelid. Freak show.

Do you KNOW how long it takes lashes to grow back???

I do. ;)

 

Earlier this week, I slipped on some ice outside the cottage. Bruised backside and skinned up palm.

 

But last night?

Last night takes the cake.

Let me set the scene…

Yesterday I posted this on Facebook:

fb

I do not like to cook.

Truth is, the cooking’s not the worst part. It’s the planning. I just want someone to tell me what to make and I’ll make it.

So I totally appreciated the fact that my husband emailed me a link to a Pioneer Woman’s Steak Fingers with Gravy recipe (btw, is that “man food” or what?).

steakfingers

I got all the ingredients…no prob.

I made the steak fingers…no prob.

Then I started on the gravy. Which shall be referred to from this point forward as HADES GRAVY (insert pitchforks here).

It involved 1/4 cup of the (hot) grease from the steak fingers and flour being whisked together.

Picture a scalding hot iron skillet filled with a greasy brown paste. (The step before you add the nice cold milk).

I’m whisking like a wild woman because the good stuff is stuck to the bottom of the skillet so you have to scrape kinda hard.

Well somehow the whisk got caught and when it came loose it flung the scalding hot grease mixture ALL OVER my face, chin, neck and chest.

No lie.

Only me.

My hubby walks into the door expecting to find his “man food” waiting for him.

Instead he finds a sobbing burn victim covered in brown hot grease splatter.

My first trip (as a patient) to the ER.

I was hoping for this…

 

But instead was greeted by an utterly useless, personality-deprived receptionist who looks at my splatter burned face, neck and chest and asks why I’m there.

My first thought was “duh.”

But my “inner-Alabama” comes out in times of stress or tragedy.

So I replied, “I about burnt my face off cookin dinner.” ;)

Apparently Illinoisans don’t get the pleasure of experiencing “inner Alabama” very often.

The look on her face? Worth all the pain…

While waiting for the Dr. to come back with my Rx, I text Jake a photo of my face.

His response? “Oh, that’s not so bad….I was expecting some Phantom of the Opera level carnage.”

What is wrong with my children? :)

The moral of this story?

Well, I’m not really sure there is one. Could be the pain meds?

But my “personal takeaway” from this little episode?

When it comes to cooking gravy or anything involving grease (or possibly just cooking in general)???

I’m going all “Taylor Swift” …

We are never ever ever ever ever

getting back together.

Like

EVER.

;)

37 Responses to they call me grace…

  1. Tonya January 18, 2013 at 9:38 pm #

    You poor dear. I hope your face heals. Use lots of vitamin E.

    I must ask though did you make it down the aisle without tripping when you got married. Sorry, I couldn’t help myself.

  2. Kim B. January 18, 2013 at 9:44 pm #

    Oh my soul that story was something else…I sure hope you’re ok and won’t have any scars…well physically at least!

    Note to self…pack first aid kit in purse when I go Goodwilling/Sally Anning/Antique Hunting/Barn Sale Shopping with Susan! :)

    I think this adventure calls for take-out tonight!

  3. kenna niles January 18, 2013 at 10:06 pm #

    well susan, we just happen to be kindred spirits!

    so nice to meet you. i’ve been following your blog since the beginning but am the stalker kind of follower and not the let you know i exist kind of follower…until today:)

    when they were young i fell one day when we took them rolling blading and ended up in the hospital with a concussion. they had a guy at the swap meet right a rap song about it! that’s the kind of family we are!!!

    i sit here as we speak with a broken foot. it’s not broken because i was snow skiing or hiking it’s broken because i was walking and rolled my ankle stepping off of a sidewalk. the worst part is that i had to use a walker for the first three weeks! i kept telling the doctor at the hospital, “look, you don’t know my kids. they will never let me hear the end of this. i’m only 49 but my kids treat me like i’m 79!”

    ps: i cried all day when I read your post about adjusting to your new roll in life after your son went off to college…i’ve been there sister…it’s not easy but knowing every mom goes through it helps.

  4. kenna niles January 18, 2013 at 10:08 pm #

    sorry my comment was cut and pasted out of order! that’s how i roll . . .

  5. cassie January 18, 2013 at 10:24 pm #

    oh NOOOO!!!! i hope you are ok and no scars or anything! some people are just accident prone…. i get notes home and calls home at least once a month about emmy at school- she bumped her head, she fell down and scraped her knee… she is just naturally gifted like that.

  6. Kris January 18, 2013 at 11:02 pm #

    Susan
    Omg! You poor thing!!! I am glad to see you have a sense of humor about all of this. It just makes these stupid things that happen to us more tolerable!! I fell in the garage last week and cried out when I fell and no one in my house came to me. It took the mailman two doors down that heard me scream to come and help me!!! My family said they never heard me scream but the mailman two doors down heard me!! Thank goodness for my mailman!! Crazy when these dumb things happen so I feel your pain! Hope you are feeling better.
    Kris

  7. Tattered Tiques January 18, 2013 at 11:09 pm #

    OMG! I hope you are ok! You poor thing. I have to admit, I laughed throughout this whole post, as I too am a clutz! And, my family and I are quick to laugh when someone hurts themself, sad but true. We’ve missed you, hope you had a nice vacation! See you soon I hope. Take care of yourself!!
    Julie

  8. Steph January 19, 2013 at 12:19 am #

    Oh Lord, girl! :( I hate to tell you that I’m laughing my booty off right now…so glad you are ok and enjoy those pain pills. :)

  9. lori lucas January 19, 2013 at 2:22 am #

    Susan AND Kenna–I would be the triplet in this story. MY husband says he lives each day expecting to get a phone call about something ridiculously stupid I have done….and in so, injured myself!! My five children and I also get the gut-busting-laughs when someone falls (if there is no serious injury of course)…my husband is the exception. He does not laugh at falls. (Probably because he knows they involve me more often than not!!) And, Kenna, as I type this I am in a gigantic boot that I have worn since last July…yes JULY….as I am waiting on my torn achilles to heal.!!!! I tore it on the same fall I tore my meniscus which I had operated on (and it healed very nicely thank you!!). I also had a walker for a while. Not only did it cramp my style, but yes, my children also made fun of me. Having the long-term boot is bad enough for every joke imaginable! Sorry we don’t all live close together. I have never actually met another “me”. …Or would that be dangerous to have that much “grace” in one area? Hope you are doing better. Lori Lucas
    P.S. Pioneer Woman lives about an hour from me!

  10. Andrea January 19, 2013 at 3:07 am #

    howwonderful that your husband know PW….I love her recipes .but haven’t tried that one yet….maybe I won’t…. glad you are ok……

  11. Tattered Tiques January 19, 2013 at 3:13 am #

    I have to say my favorite part of the whole post was the part where your foot got caught in your shopping bag handle. I laughed out loud! That takes talent! I’m so sorry for your burns and so hope you are feeling better, but I did get a good laugh! Hope to see you soon!
    Anne

  12. Linda January 19, 2013 at 5:41 pm #

    Ouch! I feel your pain. Literally. I laughed at your post because my family makes so much fun of me for hurting myself all the time. My husband says that I could cut myself on a cotton ball.

    And my kids just laugh when I hurt myself too. I’ve learned to laugh with them because no one feels sorry for me either. But I can relate to you!

    Hope your burns will heal beautifully and that you won’t forever have to tell the story to people you meet and experience more humiliation. :)

  13. Erin January 20, 2013 at 12:46 am #

    My first thought is that I agree, just tell me what you want and I will cook it, not that hard right? Second thought, yes, man food, but sounds good and artery clogging simultaneously. Third, omg, poor Susan! That is just horrible! Fourth, inner Alabama sounds like fun, and I let the dialect slide into something like that when the situation requires it, which it clearly did….was she required to ask or did the cold freeze her brain!?!? Crap, somewhere in there I forgot to mention that we laugh at carnage, but not serious carnage, more of the embarrassing kind and that somewhere along the line we too must have downplayed our kids’ injuries so much that ours are seemingly inconsequintial to them now. Basically, this was a very thought provoking post laced with some humor, reckon I could have said that:)

  14. Cheryl January 20, 2013 at 1:38 am #

    Your post cracked me up. I also have one of those “point and laugh” kind of families. I’m glad to know we’re not the only ones. I have fallen up steps more times than I can count. I once tripped over my own feet coming up the TWO steps out of my laundry room…banged my hand on the door frame…and broke my hand. Feel better now? I hope your burns heal very quickly.

  15. Maple & Magnolia January 20, 2013 at 6:52 pm #

    Thanks for your nice comments, everyone! And a BIG thanks to those of you who shared your klutzy stories…you made me feel less spazzy. ;) I’m feeling much better. The upside of having a scabby face is that I’m getting lots of laundry done and getting caught up on all my DVR’d shows! :) Enjoy the rest of the weekend!

  16. Lenka January 20, 2013 at 9:11 pm #

    Oh my, reading these comments have been such a RELIEF !
    Up until now I thought I was the only balance/klutz/disaster challenged mom out there. If there was a loose stone in a one mile radius then I would trip over it.
    Susan: so sorry about the hot grease but I’m sure that you could milk the horrid suffering by maybe needing a spa day ? ;)
    Get better soon friend.

  17. Lori January 21, 2013 at 4:11 am #

    Oh my word! I cannot imagine how bag that hurt. Ouch!
    You are not alone – for sure!
    Take care and enjoy some carry out.

  18. Des January 21, 2013 at 5:09 am #

    I am not luaghing at you, I am laughing with you! It would seem I am not the most graceful person either!!! Looks like take out for a while huh? You deserve to be waited on……
    I hope your burns heal quickly!!!
    ~Des

  19. Sarah January 21, 2013 at 4:50 pm #

    Been there… and I taught home ec for 32 years. Did a good job but, there was self sacrifice!
    Two years ago I fell on ice while running our Golden Retreiver. All I remember is arms and legs flailing and then lights out. Came to, no battery left on cell. No one heard my yelling for help. Shoved my dislocated knee cap,that was hanging decidedly out of place, back to its proper location and crawled through the field of snow toward the church whose property we live on. Now, Goldens love to play. My boy, thought it so much fun that I was on the ground. He grabbed my hat and threw it in the air. Someone inside the church saw it and came to assistance. Thanks, Lassie! Leg recovery and concussion recovery took f’eva! Ask me if I like winter?

  20. Gwen January 22, 2013 at 7:20 pm #

    Another graceful (NOT!) sister here. Broke my left leg & right foot in one fall; cut my finger with hedge clippers, stabbed my palm with kitchen knife…
    Cooking is hazardous to your health! Hope you recover quickly and well.

  21. Jennie January 22, 2013 at 11:26 pm #

    Love your decorating style!!! Can you please tell me the paint color in your dining room? I have been looking for a warm color and really like it! Thank you so much!
    jennie

    • Maple & Magnolia January 24, 2013 at 1:04 am #

      Hi Jennie, I’m not sure of the color…it was there when we moved in. It’s green with grey undertones…sorry I can’t be of more help!

  22. Lynne January 24, 2013 at 1:15 am #

    Oh my goodness! Are we twins separated at birth? I have done similar things! It’s crazy the things that happen to me. Now at least I know I am not alone;-)!

  23. Stacey@ A Sort Of Fairytale January 24, 2013 at 3:20 am #

    loved and was giggling at the falling story!! HI-larious! i definitely couldn’t tell you were burned when i saw you…so that’s a good thing :)
    also cracked up at your “inner Alabama”! i would have laughed pretty hard if i was the receptionist and heard that!!

  24. Kerry January 25, 2013 at 1:17 pm #

    Oh, Susan! Heal fast, friend. Mederma & aloe…and always a sun visor this summer (my sister did the same thing.) The shade of the hat will keep your new skin from glowing a different color & being noticeable.

    My family laughs at calamity,too – especially tripping! I knew we were kindred spirits.

    Thanks for getting me off the hook with the Pioneer Woman. Now I can tell hubster her recipes are dangerous. ;)

  25. david January 26, 2013 at 6:00 am #

    I’m so sorry! And hope the burns heal quickly.
    And I have my own fried food story to share.
    Bachelor, living alone in New York decides to make fried chicken.
    I got the oil all boiling and then, for some reason, rather than gently placing the chicken in the pot I dropped/dumped all the pieces in at once….from a fair height. This, unsurprisingly caused a great wave of boiling oil to splash out of the pot and onto my bare feet.

    I then, had to PUT ON SHOES, walk down five flights of stairs and up the street to the drug store.

    I have since relied on KFC to meet m fried chicken needs.

  26. JamieK January 31, 2013 at 3:34 am #

    Hi Susan…so sorry about your mishaps! I’ve surely missed your posts! Wondered about
    you often. You always make me laugh and smile…like a dose of good medicine! I love
    your sense of humor and so wished you lived in Texas close to me! So glad you are back
    and healing! Will pray for a speedy recovery!

  27. Nic January 31, 2013 at 3:44 am #

    First of all I am glad you are ok….but I very much needed to read your blog. I was literally crying from the laughter and so was hubby! I had a very rotten, for the books kind of day.

    It’s nice to know that other families howl with laughter when you fall, trip, etc. Ours is the same way! Disfunction junction!!

    Take good care!!

  28. Gina January 31, 2013 at 3:46 am #

    Your family sounds just like mine! I’m so sorry for all that has happened to you recently but I enjoyed some chuckles too!

  29. Audra January 31, 2013 at 9:25 am #

    Another soul sistah here! My daddy use to say I was so clumsy that I could trip over the flowers in the linoleum. My junior bridesmaid tripped as she was carrying my train causing me to pull backwards in a Matrix move. I still don’t know how I didn’t fall! So sorry for all your escapades and the burns, but the sure made for a great story.

  30. Adrienne January 31, 2013 at 1:13 pm #

    That story was so stinking funny!!! Thanks for the laugh this morning :). Sure hope you are feeling better. If you go outside today, you just might freeze your face off! It’s a cold one fr sure. I live in the Chicago suburbs too. I’m from Illinois, but when I get mad, I sound like I’m from Alabama. It’s the funniest thing. If I believed in reincarnation, I would know for sure I was a real southern lady :)

  31. Anne January 31, 2013 at 1:15 pm #

    OMG I am glad you are alright.Are we related seriously because that is something that would happen to me.Yes I did the same thing with the eyelash curler and I thought my eye lashes were NEVER going to grow back funny now but not when you are a teenager.At Christmas Eve service the candle light service I am not allowed to hold a candle.Can you imagine holding a candle I am sure I would burn the whole place down!
    xx
    Anne

  32. Jan January 31, 2013 at 2:05 pm #

    Well at first I was LOL about the fall up the stairs. But seriously, You really could have done some major damage with hot grease girl. Glad you’re going to be o.k. I hope your face isn’t scared. Definitely give up the cooking.

  33. Lin January 31, 2013 at 3:15 pm #

    Oh I am so sorry that you burned your face. I hope it heals soon….burns are so painful. I too am so accident prone. My husband calls me Lucy because if something breaks, it usually is when I have used it. But I am fortunate that none of mine have been as serious as yours…..most bruises and small cuts. Thank you for sharing with us.

  34. Donnamae January 31, 2013 at 3:15 pm #

    Ouch! That must’ve hurt! But, the whole post was funny, you have to admit! So glad to find you again in my email…last nite I received 8 of your latest posts all at the same time! Glad you are alive and well…sort of…really, no more gravy!! ;)

  35. april February 1, 2013 at 7:16 pm #

    As my grandma always said, “They shoulda named you Grace because you ain’t graceful.”

    Hope you start feeling better, from one Grace to another.

  36. Kelly @ The Moon and Me April 29, 2013 at 5:09 pm #

    Sorry, but I was laughing so hard tears were running down my cheeks. I feel your pain. We are a family of klutzes and also have the tendency to laugh at each other. Thanks for making my Monday smiley. I hope you’ve recovered and have come to a mutual understanding with cooking and grease. :) Not to mention, stairs.
    Kelly

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